New Husband and Wife Stores

New Husband

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. The instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a condition: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

A woman visits the New Husband Store for a new husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and they help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you anyway for shopping at the New Husband Store.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A year later, a New Wife Store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Real or Hoax

Real or Hoax

Enjoy the story esp moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests,the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the prince would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants," she said, "is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bed room. But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer? she asked him. "Beautiful during the day ... or at night?" Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wonderous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this ...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this ..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below........OKAY?













































Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ... what is the moral to this story? The moral is ..
1) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
2) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!!

Quotes

I don't do what I like. I like what I do.

Lack of will power has caused more failures than lack of intelligence (or) ability.

Cash Back

Cash Back

General Conversation Gambits

General Conversation Gambits

LAWs

Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Bath THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Words

The six most important words:
I admit that I was wrong.

The five most important words:
You did a great job.

The four most important words:
What do you think?

The three most important words:
Could you please...

The two most important words:
Thank you.

The most important word:
We.

The least important word:
I.

Sardar Jokes

Dedicated to all the sardar lovers. I know some are old ones but always worth us a laugh

Sardar: I have'nt slept all night in the train.
Friend: why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: why did'nt you exchnged the birth?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody to exchnge in the lower berth...

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 second a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

Sardar-why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail".

Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardar:"I've been promoted as branch manager."

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote : Yes!

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. you know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what? take an umbrella and go.

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What came first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever you order first will come first.

Sardar wins Rs. 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave Rs.11 crore after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me Rs. 20 crore or else return my 20 Rs. back.!

Postman:- I had to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet
Sardar:- why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it....

Sardar proposed to a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1 year older to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye no problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.

Sardar's wish :when I die, I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefulyin his sleep not screamin like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why are you writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

Sindhi Style

After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Sindhi man in Bombay calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Bombay immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "It's all set. They're both coming for Diwali and paying their own airfare!!"

Pharmacist

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license... They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband having dinner in a restaurant with pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription".

Bush Joke

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Jokes

1. What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
"Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

2. The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign "

3. What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

4. When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

5. A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

6. The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They 're both wrong

7. Anuj's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Anuj seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

A month overdue

Just read on the story to find out the problems in communication Gap!!!!!!!!!!

Mr.Kumar comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Kumar receives a telephone call from ABCPTCL (ABC Power Transport Company Limited) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs.Kumar ?"
"Yes...... speaking"
KPTCL guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the KPTCL guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ......
HOW ?????"
"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ....

He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to ABCPTCL office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at ABCPTCL,

"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Installing Love

Customer Service: Can you install Love?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?

Service: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Service: What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see... I have Past hurt.exe, Low esteem.exe, Grudge.exe and Resentment.com running right now.

Service: No problem. Love will automatically erase "Past hurt.exe" from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually overwrite Lowesteem.exe whit a module of its own, called High esteem.exe. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge.exe and Resentment.com. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Service: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke Forgiveness.exe. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge.exe and Resentment.com have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. Love has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Service: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your Heart. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Service: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts to get the upgrades.

Customer: It says "Error 412 - Program not run on internal components." What does that mean?

Service: Don't worry, that's a common problem. It means that the Love program is set up to run on external Hearts but has not yet been running on your Heart. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means that you have to "love" your own machine before it can "love" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Service: Can you find the directory called "Self-acceptance"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Service: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Service: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "Myheart" directory: Forgiveself.doc, Selfesteem.txt, Realizeworth.txt and Goodness.doc. The system will overwrite conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete
"Selfcriticize.exe" from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it! Wow! My Heart is filling up with really neat files. Smile.mpg is playing on my monitor right now, and it shows that Warmth.com, Peace.exe and Contentment.com are copying themselves all over my Heart!

Service: Then Love is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Service: Love is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you are meeting. They will in turn share it with other people, and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

Service: You're very welcome.

Puzzles

What is greater that God, more evil than the Devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you die?

Ans: Nothing.

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in. What should have he said?

Ans: Man should have replied three.Number of alphabets in the number which doorman calling.

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